dum spiro, spero

cri de cœur

Cry of heart.

Sometimes I feel so victimized. I feel so weak and unloved to the point where I question my own value. What am I worth? What difference do I make in this world? I look around and I see people shining with their distinct talents and characteristics, but what do I have? I morph too often. I adapt and transform into whatever creature people want me to be, but am I who I want to be? No. I can’t seem to find myself where ever I look. I see around me the individuals who I love, but I feel like they don’t love me back. I look around only to see them all succeed and strive forward while I am stuck trying to pick up pieces of who I am.

Who am I? Why can’t I seem to be who I want to be and not be afraid of anyone’s thoughts or opinions? Why do words kill me so much and make me want to drown in my tears and sleep in the darkness? I never feel comfortable around people anymore since I’ve lost my trust - and I always feel like the moment I turn my back, every flaw and opinion about me will spill out. And it hurts. It hurts to know people hate you, despise you, don’t want you in their lives or even thinks you’re worthless. It hurts to know people look at your flaws with magnifying glasses; scrutinizing and criticizing each ugly characteristic while only simply glancing once at the good things. Maybe that’s why I like compliments so much. They build my self-esteem and make me feel like someone cares enough to notice. Then again, I don’t even know if it’s out of politeness or genuine kindness.

This blog has become too publicized. I feel exposed and judged. Maybe this is the time to start anew. This may be my last heartfelt cry; cri de cœur.